“In my father’s remembrance”
“With all three, my husband, my son and my father, I missed their death.
I saw it coming. It is exactly the way John Lennon describes: “Life is what happens to you, while you’re busy making other plans.’ You look one way and right behind you it happens. That is what makes it extra bitter. You can have a sick bed, and that is horrible. You know that someone dies, but you are able to share those last moments together. I could not say goodbye. Gone. Gone. One, two and three. I think that is the hardest, it just happens to you.
I should have seen it coming, the death of my husband. Just like my son’s. And my father somewhat, but not entirely. Nic was cocky. I felt guilty about the suicide of Nic. For a long time. I should have seen it coming, Floor’s death. He sought the silence. In hindsight, he couldn’t handle the death of his father. Because if you lay all the pieces together, you can conclude that his death had to do with his father’s.
Do I blame myself? Not anymore. It is not realistic to blame yourself. Yet you do, because their passing away has a huge impact on your life. There is always something, and I’ve seen it with my husband, always a piece, a part of someone that you do not get to see. You think you fully know your partner and yet something remains hidden. Nic had made the decision to step out of life, I did not know. He was suicidal at that moment, something which he had never been. In retrospect, I think, he sprinkled sand in our eyes. He had already drawn his plan.
How important were they to me? From my father I learned a lot. I realised this after his death. My father came from the Island Terschelling. I have many of the characteristics of someone from Terschelling: a huge sense of justice and loyalty, especially to family and friends. In addition, my father had a tremendous vitality, energy and a huge interest for the people around him. To his family and friends. My children’s friends are always happy to see me and invite me in their homes. I can really have nice conversations with them. I profoundly enjoy this.
My husband has learned me to put things in a different perspective and supported me getting rid of my insecurity. He was cheerful, carefree. That attracted me. Nic has taught me a certain looseness. Over the years I have become more confident. Particularly in his work he was very decisive. I admired that. I think he has also coached me in the right direction. In everything I did, he encouraged me. I became a nurse practitioner. He was the one who supported and challenged me.
Floor made me a mother. I was impressed by the way he has tried to see a way to catch his uncertainty, his fear of failure. He was very strong. Each time he took steps in the right direction, even though he was scared. Floor has given me the opportunity to be there for him. He needed a lot of coaching. When we worked on his thesis we noticed how close we were to each other. We looked so much alike. We could work together without any fuss or clashes. He learned me when to be patient. I learned him to listen, to investigate things. We discussed and motivated each other. We were very close. Floor could always count on me. I was always there. I think that’s important for a child.
Every death is different. But all three I feel everyday. I miss the wisdom of my father, his support. I often think: ‘Gee, Dad, how would you have handled this? “I do a lot from his ideas. Don’t let people walk over you. Straight, honest and straightforward. ”